First Unitarian Church of Pittsburgh
605 Morewood Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA 15213-2999
412-621-8008
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TO BE A UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST PARENT By David Herndon Unitarian Universalist minister Jane Mauldin tells this story: It's not easy having a conscience. We have a lot to lose, and sometimes we have to be ready to lose it. A good friend of mine almost lost a great deal while trying to live her conscience. She had been searching for her dream house, spending weekend and vacations in another state where she hoped to retire. Finally, she found the perfect place. It was love at first sight, the price was unbelievably low, and, miracle of miracles, her offer was immediately accepted. My friend did lots of research to prepare for the "closing." She discovered the house title carried a "restrictive covenant," which stated the house could not be resold to anyone of a racial minority. This restriction was against the law, but it was still in the title. My friend told her lawyer to make sure this statement was not in the title at closing time. He assured her it would be taken care of. Closing day came around. She took two days off work to travel to the closing appointment. Sellers, realtors, lawyers, and my friend all pulled up around the table and she was handed the papers to sign. "It's all as we've agreed," her lawyer assured her. But my friend carefully read everything one last time. There it was: house not to be resold to members of a racial minority. "I'm sorry. I can't sign this!" she declared. "What??!!" was the reaction. "I'm sorry. I told you all I can't sign with this restrictive covenant." "Well," the lawyers said, "it's all drawn up. We can't change it now." "Well, I can't sign it." My friend stood up to leave and walked for the door. There was no small amount of consternation and scurrying about. The papers were changed, the restrictive covenant was removed, and she bought the house that day. Later, her lawyer said, "You know, you were right. My daughter is in law school. I'm going to tell her what you did. She's going to think that was great!" That woman was my mother. And her daughter thinks she's pretty great, too. The ripples of our actions, when we live as our conscience dictates, wash upon distant shores, and reshape our world, one heart, one neighborhood, one town, one generation at a time. This remarkable episode in the life of a remarkable mother points out the importance of setting a good example. The influence of exemplary deeds may extend far beyond what we might have anticipated. Therefore we do well to appreciate the wisdom of this nervously reassuring statement by Unitarian Universalist minister Robert Fulghum: "Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you." This morning, as we celebrate Mothers' Day here at the First Unitarian Church of Pittsburgh, I would like to speak about what it means to be a Unitarian Universalist parent: that is, what it means to offer love and guidance in accord with Unitarian Universalist principles and values. Of course, not all of us are parents with children in our homes; but most of us have relationships with others where we are called upon to offer nurture and wisdom and encouragement. Thus, I invite you to adapt what I say to fit the relationships you have with family members, friends, people at your place of work, or other acquaintances. What does it mean to be a Unitarian Universalist parent? We might begin with that last word and remind ourselves that Unitarian Universalist parents face the same challenges that most parents in the United States face nowadays: the challenge of finding ways for families to spend generous quantities of quality time together; the insecurities released into our culture since the events of September 11, 2001; the expensive and sophisticated advertising campaigns aimed at children and youth; the need to be vigilant about violence, including shootings in schools, streets, and homes; the need to be vigilant about predators, kidnappers, and sex offenders; the deterioration of many public institutions; and the culture wars that have sparked such intensely polarized politics in our nation. Every time and place, of course, presents unique challenges to parents. These are some of the challenges faced by many parents nowadays in the United States. What does it mean to be a Unitarian Universalist parent? In other words: How can Unitarian Universalist parents use the resources of our faith tradition to respond confidently and effectively to the challenges of parenting nowadays in this society? One basic religious affirmation from our faith tradition that Unitarian Universalist parents can place as a foundation beneath their parenting is our affirmation of the importance of this world here and now, not necessarily as preparation for some other world to come, but for its own sake. What happens in our world does matter. Moreover, we can be agents of history. We can influence what happens in our world. We can work for peace and justice, we can work for healthy families, we can work for a compassionate society, and thus we can make the world a better place. Just as Jane Mauldin's mother set forth a fine example of being personally committed to making the world a better place, so can Unitarian Universalist parents through our choices and our priorities set an example and thereby send a message about the importance of making the world a better place. In the words of Thomas Jefferson: "It is in our lives, and not from our words, that our religion must be read." An emphasis on the spiritual example set by parents gives extra meaning to the words at the top of your order of service. Lois Timmins Fahs writes: "The foundations of the child's spiritual health are laid even before he [or she] is born. They are to be found, first of all, in the emotional maturity of the parents, in the soundness of their own personal and social relationships, and in their acceptance of the experience of childbearing and child care without fear or resentment and with enthusiasm and devotion." Do you want your children to feel at home in the world? Do you want your children to feel that they are powerful agents of history, that they can make a difference, that the world can be a better place because of their efforts? Do you want your children to think for themselves about religion? Do you want your children to value social justice? Do you want your children to value religious community? Then you must demonstrate through your own actions that these things are important to you. One of our Unitarian Universalist principles tells of the importance of spiritual growth. Do you want your children to have a passionate soul, a poetic and prophetic soul? Then do not neglect your own spiritual growth; do not neglect your own soul and its passions. Unitarian Universalist children and youth may face some special challenges. For example, Unitarian Universalist children may find that there are no other children among all their classmates or neighborhood friends who have a Unitarian Universalist religious identity. As a result, they may feel misunderstood or even ridiculed. They may be lonely, or resentful about having to be part of a small religious minority, or envious of the ceremonial customs and institutional stature of the religious traditions of their friends. One of our strengths is that often voices from the "edge of empire" are the most perceptive and most prophetic voices. As Unitarian Universalists, we may not speak from the economic margin of society, but we do speak from a religious edge-an edge connected to Protestant Christianity, but an edge that also draws strength and inspiration from the Enlightenment and from the prophetic imperative for social justice. We have an opportunity, therefore, to offer a critique of conventional religious understandings and to stand against unjust social conditions. We can take great pride in this opportunity. But this may be hard for children and youth to grasp. They may have a hard time explaining our religion to their friends; they may simply feel embarrassed about being different. One strategy for Unitarian Universalist parents is to make sure that their children have their religious identity reinforced in positive ways through regular attendance in Sunday school, through other events such as Family Choir or potluck suppers, through Unitarian Universalist summer camps, or through family covenant groups. In all these ways, our Unitarian Universalist children and youth can develop friendships with other children and youth who share their religious identity, and they can develop a sense of belonging to a religious movement that is lively and committed. A second challenge that Unitarian Universalist children and youth may face is an early awareness of what theologian Reinhold Niebuhr has called "all the facts which lead to pessimism" about the human condition. They may develop a sensitive conscience about including others who are different. They may develop a sensitive conscience about what is fair and what is not fair in society. They may develop a sensitive conscience about the ways that our society has not been fair to African-Americans, to women, to gay and lesbian people, and to other minorities. The strength of this awareness is an admirable and abiding sense of compassion for the suffering of others. Moreover, it may indeed be true that the saviors of the world are "people of sorrow" who are acquainted with the troubles of the world. But an awareness of "all the facts which lead to pessimism" can be a lot for young people to carry around inside them. The tension between having high ideals and hopes for the world, on the one hand, and having an awareness of the sadness and sorrow and broken dreams and indifference in the world, on the other hand, can be difficult even for adults to bear. One strategy for Unitarian Universalist parents is to find ways for their children and youth to have a sense of solidarity and companionship with others who struggle to promote the inherent worth and dignity of every human being, who struggle to promote justice, equity, and compassion in human relations, who struggle to promote world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all. All of us can find great reassurance and encouragement knowing that we are not isolated individuals, that we are not alone in our hopes and visions and efforts. Finally, a third challenge that Unitarian Universalist children and youth may face is that their experience of Unitarian Universalism, unlike the experience of many of their parents, will not be the experience of having left some other religious tradition behind. Unitarian Universalist children and youth may not experience their religious identity as something rebellious and heretical. They may not experience their religious identity with an underlying sense of anger and disappointment toward some other religious tradition. They may be more interested in appreciating what Unitarian Universalism affirms rather than focusing on what most Unitarian Universalists disbelieve. In the mid-seventeenth century, the first generation of Puritans in Massachusetts found that their children, the second generation of Puritans in Massachusetts, were not often having experiences of regeneration that was the hallmark of church membership. They led morally honorable lives, but this one experience-so common among those who had struggled for the Puritan cause in Anglican England, those who had indeed left England and sailed across the ocean to a wilderness on an uncharted continent for the sake of the Puritan cause-this one experience was something they did not share with their elders. In response, the Puritan leaders developed something called the "Half-Way Covenant" which admitted the second-generation Puritans, born in the New World, into church membership even if they had not had an experience of regeneration. Unitarian Universalist parents in our time might do well to honor the distinctive experiences of their own children in a similar way, although perhaps it would be better to avoid the condescension implied in the term "Half-Way Covenant." Handing on to the next generation a set of established beliefs and rituals and practices can be a challenge for parents with a strong loyalty to their religious tradition. It can be even more challenging to hand on to the next generation a willingness to ask questions, a democratic approach to religious community, the freedom to engage in critical thinking, a religious tradition that stretches from prophetic liberal Christianity over to the reasoned scholarship and scientific analysis of the Enlightenment, and a set of social values such as justice and compassion and world community and respect for the inherent worth and dignity of all people. It can be even more challenging to hand on this tradition in a culture which is pulled toward unquestioning superstition, systemic injustice and oppression, and shallow consumerism. But our efforts as Unitarian Universalist parents will be more effective as we are able to keep alive our own sense of spiritual growth and as we stick together in strong, vital religious communities. I would like to close with these words from Unitarian Universalist minister Charles Stephens, words that reflect what other Unitarian Universalist parents might wish for their own children: I wish for you a troubled heart at times Charles Stephens, "Some Wishes for You," in The Gift of the Ordinary (Boston: Unitarian Universalist Association, 1985), p. 10.
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